Debbie's Perspective

Just my thoughts of the day.

Jul 17

The Runaway

by Debbie

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ~ Philippians 4:6

The cell phone rang beside the bed waking us both up. I looked at the clock; 5:15 am. Van answered with a strange voice. I could tell he knew the caller but was cautious, then a strained, “Where are you?”

It was our seventeen year old son who has autism. This past year we’ve had problems with him sneaking out in the middle of the night to go to the school down the street to touch doors. Apparently the beeping that alerts us to a door or window didn’t wake us up. How did he escape this time; a door left unlocked or through a window? Windows are his new escape route. We knew it wouldn’t be long before he figured out all he had to do was open the window and push out the screen.

“Pearson Ranch,” Van said incredulously. My mind screamed, but that’s a mile away! Our son was in his pajamas a mile away headed to a major highway. Van told him to wait and he’d be right there to get him, and then ran to get dressed and leave. I looked around to see how our son had gotten out. It was the garage door, the deadbolt was unlocked. One of us had gone through that door and left it unlocked. In anyone else’s house it wouldn’t have been a big deal. Before this past year it never was a big deal in our house either. That door was never locked. Now with its keyed deadbolt and locking key keeper beside the door, it’s supposed to remain locked at all times. The hard part is that most of the time it really doesn’t matter if it’s locked because Carson is fine and doesn’t want to leave the house, but when it matters, it matters so we can’t take the risk. We left it unlocked, and now our sweet innocent boy who doesn’t understand danger is standing on the side of the road a mile away in the dark.

My husband left and I slipped onto my knees beside the bed. “Oh Lord, keep my baby safe. Thank you that he took his phone with him, and thank you that he knows where he is and called us.” I prayed as anxious thoughts bombarded me with what ifs. I prayed out of need for comfort from my Heavenly Father, but I also prayed out of obedience. I could stand there wringing my hands with worry letting my anxious thoughts race or I could take every thought captive and bring it back to God’s truth. His word tells me not to be anxious, but to bring my petitions to Him with thanksgiving. Not thanksgiving for this calamity at the moment, but thanksgiving that He is the one who can do exceedingly abundantly more than I could think or ask. Then, when I’ve been obedient to come to Him in my distress, He will give me the peace I long for. My heart calmed and I sat on the side of the bed listening for the car.

Lord, I don’t understand why this is happening with our son. I don’t know what to do to make him safer, but You do. I will keep coming to you daily taking it step by step as you lead us through this valley. Amen.
2 Corinthians 10:5, Ephesians 3:20

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Feb 2

Selective Listener?

by Debbie

Luke 6:27a ~ “But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies!

I was just walking toward the kitchen as my husband walked past me and quickly said, “Don’t worry, I have already asked her to clean it all up.”  Then he promptly left the house for work.

I hesitantly walked around the corner and came face to face with my teenage daughter using her feet on two dish towels swiping away at the floor.  When she saw the look on my face she said, “Mom, you should be glad that I already cleaned up a lot of it.  It was really messy earlier.  Great! I thought as I surveyed the flour and powdered sugar dusted counters, the sink and counter full of dishes, and the little drifts of powdered sugar clinging to two of the cabinet doors.

I was already frustrated irritated, okay let’s be really honest, I was angry with her over two other incidents in the last couple of days.  So last night when she just had to bake these cookies for the school project – at 10:30 p.m. – I went to bed.

After cleaning the kitchen (grudgingly because the bus doesn’t wait, and let’s face it, her cleaning methods were just making a bigger mess at the moment), but having her make her own lunch because I was taking care of her mess, I sat down to have a little quiet time with the Lord hoping for a new perspective on things.  He never disappoints.

I was reading the verse that practically screamed off the page at me, “But to you who are willing to listen…”  Well, of course, I listen.  Those who don’t would be the unbelievers or those who pick and choose what they want out of the Bible, right? I felt the Holy Spirit nudge at my heart and ask, “Are you sure it isn’t talking about you?”

Okay, Lord, show me what you want me to see.  He said, “Well, now that you are willing to LISTEN, I’d be happy to show you.  Just keep reading.”  As I read about how I am to love, be good to, bless, and pray for my enemies, I realized I wasn’t even doing that for my family so how could I possibly do it for my enemies.  Oh no! I was a selective listener.

Of course I love my family, I do good for them, I bless them, and I certainly pray for them.  I justified the situation; after all, I was just a little mad at the moment.  But wait, this passage doesn’t stop at those.  Oh goodness, there is more!  What about turning the other cheek, offering my shirt when my coat has been demanded of me, and giving freely without asking for anything in return?  Surely this isn’t talking about my situation because I’m dealing with my child, not enemies.

Hmmm, let’s see.  The end of verse 35 says that if I do all of these things I will truly be acting as a child of the Most High, for He is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked.  Then in verse 36 Jesus says, “You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate.”

I know sometimes I have to chastise and discipline my children, and it is clear in God’s word that He does that to us, His children, because He loves us.  But, He is also compassionate toward us, and sometimes just makes sure we are listening and then teaches us the right things to do.

 

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Sep 5

#FreshVision

by Debbie

Blog picture heart-made-with-hands

James 4:7 Submit yourselves, then, to God.  Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

“Mom, I made the team!” my daughter excitedly exclaimed.

Wow, what a difference a few days makes.  If you read what I wrote last week in A Life Interrupted, you know that my daughter’s heart was broken when she was told she had been cut in the first round of tryouts for her middle school volleyball team.

She came home sick after the third day of hard tryouts and missed the first round cut announcement.  Since we couldn’t get in touch with the coach, she started calling her friends.  After three girls said she had been cut, the tears began to flow.  The dream she had been working toward was dashed.

Sometimes the dream we hold in our heart isn’t really on the path God has for our lives.  We want it to be, but God has something better for us; a different plan – we just can’t see it while we are holding onto a dream we don’t want to let go of.

This is a time for fresh vision.  This is a time to submit ourselves to God, lay it at His feet and open our heart to the new place He wants to take us. We also must resist the devil’s attempt to beat us up and cause us to question God’s love.

On Tuesday morning the next round of tryouts was scheduled, and we decided that since she hadn’t heard about the cut from the coach, we needed to verify it from the source.  She showed up at tryouts and found out that she hadn’t been cut after all.

Some dreams can be lost because of what others are telling us.  We can trust them and believe they are helping us, but we run the risk they are wrong.

Our answers must come from the source.

God is the only one who holds our future in His hands. He is the only one who knows what tomorrow brings. We must submit to Him and allow Him to lead us where He wants us to go.

A fresh vision from God breathes life and passion back into our lives; back into our dreams. Fresh vision stirs our hearts and sets things into motion driving us forward into the plans God has for us.

Lay your hopes and dreams at the feet of Jesus, and ask Him to give you a fresh vision for them.  Ask Him to show you if the ones you’ve been holding on to aren’t His.

Resist the devil because he will be quick to tell you that your dreams don’t matter to God.

The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. ~John 10:10

The great news is the devil will flee from us when we resist him.

Last week we were weeping at the loss of a dream.  This week we understand even better that Jesus is our only source for the answers to our heart’s deepest desires because He is the one who puts them there, and He is the only one who can give us the fresh vision to see them through.

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Apr 9

You Can’t Discipline Autism Out of a Child

by Debbie

Autism AwarenessI  don’t write this because of one particular incident, but for the many smaller incidents, comments, and attitudes over the years.

My son looks like the typical 8-year-old — two front teeth a little too big for his little-boy mouth, a sprinkle of freckles across his nose and a mischievous twinkle in his eye. He is active and bright, and, to the casual onlooker, he is just another little boy.

So when he darts away from me running for a door to open and close, or screams and cries as he pulls away from me trying to make it to a door he shouldn’t touch, he seems to be a defiant, out-of-control kid who needs some good discipline to make him stop.

There have been those over the years who have said, “Just don’t let him touch those doors and he will eventually learn that he can’t do it.” A clear sign that they have no idea of the driving force behind my son’s need to open and close doors.

I’ve tried to understand this need my son has for doors. Since his need to open and close them rises with his anxiety level, I often have wondered whether their constant sameness gives him some sort of comfort — an order to an otherwise out-of-order situation.

I think if I could ever really delve into his mind and truly understand, I might be awed by the complexity of it or laugh at the simplicity. All I know is that it is a need that goes so deep in him that I will never be able to punish or motivate it out of him. So it is left to me to continue day in and day out to teach and train him that there are doors he can touch and others that are off-limits — and hope that one day the logical part of his brain will override the reptilian part and he will gain at least a small amount of control in this.

He is making progress, even though it is slow.

The meltdowns stemming from the answer “no” do not come from a lack of being told no, as many would suspect. There have been comments along those lines — or those who have even stepped in and thought that their stern voice or ultimatum would somehow do the trick, leaving me to deal with the even greater or longer meltdown.

My son doesn’t want to lose control. In fact, he hates it. He is heartbroken afterward because of his actions during a meltdown. His driving need for order or comfort in his anxiety overwhelms him, and he finally breaks down.

No amount of discipline in the form of punishment is going to stop this. All I can do is continue to give him strategies and alternatives for times like this. Sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t. When they don’t, he has consequences to those actions.

Those who believe that he “just needs to learn to mind or just needs a firmer hand” have not lived the years with my son that I have. It shows their lack of understanding of a mind that could read at 2 but wasn’t toilet trained until 7. A mind that understands what you say to him but has difficulty communicating back with language.

They have no knowledge of senses that are messed up so that normal sounds like water running in the sink can be very painful to his ears but some loud siren might not even make him flinch, as if he were deaf. A gentle touch could hurt where a firm touch could be comforting.

They are unaware of an anxiety level that is always there, controlled on the surface but ready to break through when there is too much movement, noise or change. They have no true understanding of how that breakthrough looks like a defiant child but is merely a child no longer able to win his hard-fought battle.

I have to keep my eyes on the goal: my child’s life. I can’t let others’ judgments or opinions of my parenting veer me from my course. My job is to continue to try to understand my son and try to see the world through his eyes so I can teach and train him to somehow fit into our world the best he can, at least as far as acceptable social behavior is concerned.

I will not frustrate him more and put even harder burdens on him than he already bears just for the appeasement of those who don’t understand. Thankfully he has many people around him who feel the way I do and understand that you can’t discipline autism out of a child.

Autism Life Love

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Feb 23

Love’s Layers – My Journey

by Debbie

Love is one of those elusive things that has many layers which only time and experience can uncover. There are Aha! moments where you believe you’ve found the answer to its meaning, but I propose that those moments are just the realization of a new layer you never knew existed before.

As a child, love was my mother serving me chicken noodle soup, Sprite, and saltine crackers when I was sick. My mother is the hinge pin in my understanding of love. She was the first to model it for me as she went about taking care of our family. She was always there for me; interested in my thoughts, friends, and life. Even when she was angry, her voiced raised and eyes narrowed, I knew without a doubt she still loved me. Love to me as a little girl was all about being safe and taken care of.

Boys, boys, boys! Oh how they changed my view of love. Unearthing another layer to love’s secrets brought a roller coaster ride of emotions. I began to experience the heart pounding, butterfly evoking type of love. My heart was whipped around from elation to heartache and back again. While exhilarating, thankfully it was only the birth pains of true and lasting love.

Once married and living day to day with my husband, a new discovery of love came about in a less pleasurable kind of way. This discovery, filled with eye opening clarity that only reality can bring, was quite necessary to the longevity of my love for my husband; the hard work of commitment.

I first heard about commitment in the pre-marriage classes we took. I sat there nodding my head as we were told that there would be days that you didn’t feel love for your spouse, but a commitment to them and your marriage would get you through. At the time, I didn’t understand what it really meant or what it would look like. I was under the illusion that I would always feel this emotion filled love for my husband. It didn’t matter that everyone else I knew had lost that early lover’s elation and moved on into a more steady solid love. To me that love looked boring and lifeless. We were different; we would be like the romance novel lovers with a little less drama.

It’s amazing how towels on the bathroom floor, having very little money, and differing views on how things should get done can send you head long into understanding commitment. Your eyes are opened to the fact that you can really love someone, but not really like them some days. What once seemed like a boring lifeless love looked different from the inside. It was safety.

I was beginning to realize that my mother’s commitment to me is what brought the feelings of safety into my life. It was now my commitment to my husband and his to me that brought safety into our marriage. There were moments when he still made my heart pound and butterflies flutter in my stomach, but I realized without the commitment it would just be the emotion filled rollercoaster I had known as a teenager.

Children can definitely open your eyes to a layer of love called responsibility. In my life, the moment I understood this truth happened when our first son, Taylor, was a month old. It was a stormy evening with the threat of tornadoes around us. The wind began to blow hard, and the tree in front of our tiny duplex began to whip around violently. With the fear that a tornado was on top of us, we ran to our small utility room and huddled on the floor. My baby son was sleeping in my arms totally oblivious to the danger around him. As I leaned over him with my husband leaning over me, I realized that I would willingly give my life for this precious baby boy. I would put myself between him and whatever came at us.

As my husband leaned over us both, it occurred to me that he was willingly putting himself between us and harm’s way. My heart swelled with love for him at that moment. I realized then that not only were we committed to each other for a lifetime, but we were responsible for each other and this child of ours. This knowledge added a weighty layer to what I understood as love, but a layer that bound us together in a way we never could be without it.

Responsibility is that part of love that binds you together during the hard times. It’s the part that says, “I’ve got your back, and I know you’ve got mine.”

I’ve been married to my husband now for almost 30 years. We’ve had lots of opportunities to practice commitment and responsibility, as well as experience emotion as high as the clouds and as deep as the ocean. Love is like that. When you love someone very deeply, they can elicit the most wonderful joy, but also the scariest anger.

When Taylor was nine we adopted a baby girl, Grace. We were at the birth, and held her just moments after she was born. She instantly was our baby. When she was four months old she was diagnosed with a terminal muscle disease. Two months later we were finalizing her adoption when the case worker asked us if we had considered not adopting her and giving her back. The thought was ludicrous to us. She was our child. Again, that sense of responsibility in love came to the surface. I was willing to do whatever it took to take care of her. It didn’t matter that I hadn’t given birth to her, she was my baby nonetheless.

There were days of feeding tubes, breathing treatments, and hospice nurses. We loved her deeply through it all. This is the layer of love I can’t explain. It is the layer of love that is commitment, responsibility, and emotion even when you can’t get anything in return. I guess you could call it the unconditional part of love.

Our daughter relocated to heaven just two weeks after her first birthday. With all the parts of love in place between me and my husband, we survived the heartache. We needed them all to get through it.

Six months later we adopted another baby girl. Our daughter, Hope, is healthy and strong, and a total joy to our lives. Just 18 months after Hope was born, I gave birth to our son, Carson. He was a big surprise. After 19 years of marriage, infertility, multiple miscarriages, and adoptions I had given birth to a boy.

Life continues to surprise us. When Carson was two, we learned he had autism. That journey is another story, but it has taught me many more life lessons along the way, and continues to develop my understanding of love. I don’t know if there are any more layers I haven’t uncovered yet or if I will just continue to learn the complexities of the layers I already know. All I do know is it takes a lifetime to truly understand the meaning of love.

Life Love

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